friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.