Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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