Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.