My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
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Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
See..?
.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Sign of the day..
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars