I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon