I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
What
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.