A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*