90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.