Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
You Might Also Like
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged