Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
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If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.