Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
You Might Also Like
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
New mindset, who dis?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: