[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
$4 #usedbooks
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
this is the greatest thing ever
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
No way!