Do not levitate over flowers
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
“Sheer Arrogance”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner