After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
You Might Also Like
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I mean…but I did
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.