My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
doing some research
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready