“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave