*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.