My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?