When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[eats all your cotton candy]
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.