Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls