everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Midwest trash talk
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks