remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.