Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
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If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them