Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Um … Hot Wings please
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Ovenable?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.