It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power