When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
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Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
found this cool rock hiking today
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
We’re all getting idioter.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now