My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Just grow your own
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter