Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Passed by a old school Math example today.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls