It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
What number SPF blocks people?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*