Dishonest mechanic?
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Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.