If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing