i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
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[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
See..?
.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.