karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..