If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“I wouldn’t.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists