You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
We all have our pet causes.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My whole life was a lie.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.