Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be