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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.