Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Unexpected Judgment
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.