me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
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You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The old gods are rising again.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me in tagged photos
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it