POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
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Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Traveler’s camo
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo