I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
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COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.