[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
2022 be like
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
B
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine