My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.