I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
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Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen