5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I get distracted pretty eas
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
🤣
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money