WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground