When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do