That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes