I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I forgot how to panic. Help
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!