When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”